Canceled

So on Friday my cycle was canceled. I don’t really know what to say about it. Or how to feel.

My appointment was positive. New follicles, uterian lining was looking good. I was happy. Positive. Feeling tired and bloated from the medicine but positive.

Then 2 o’clock rolls round and I get my call from my nurse. She has bad news. My estrogen count is not increasing and a couple of eggs are shrinking. I make it through the phone call and the scheduling of an appointment with my doctor without crying. As soon as I hang up, it is all over. My poor dog. She is freaked out trying to comfort me. Of course my husband is on a bike ride. But he is due to be back soon. He comes in covered in sweat. I don’t really want a hug from him. Not when he is covered in sweat and grit. I am dreading the text from my mother-in-law asking how my appointment went. She is wonderful and I love her very much. I just don’t want to have to discuss another failure with anyone. These failures are hard to take. And they are all on my side of the equation. I am the broken piece. 

I have been trying very hard not to immediately go to the internet and look up all the reasons IVF cycles are canceled. But I have twice, for a few minutes. My husband also looked briefly. It looks like low estrogen and a lack of follicle response are the two main reasons. Low estrogen has a better chance of being fixed. It is getting harder to find the silver linings. I have to wait till Friday for my doctor’s appointment. I will know more then. I am trying to not speculate.

It is going to be a very long week.