My big brother

So it has been a very busy couple of weeks. We went to Austin to visit my husband’s family. Just for the weekend. It was nice and relaxed. E had a devoted audience and he loved it. The plane rides went fine. It was only two hours and this kid loves planes. 

When we got back my mom was already at my house. She had stayed the world with my sister and had taken a Lyft to my house. My sister is very lazy and selfish. And somehow gets away with stuff that I would never. Enough about her.

My mom left on Sunday and was unaware that Monday was our transfer. It went fine but as expected, the doubts are creeping in. As I mentioned before, I had tried to talk to her about it but we never made it passed her problems. She was really great with E and entertained him pretty much non-stop.

 She was worried he wouldn’t know her because it had been nearly a year since she had seen him. Even if he didn’t remember her they were great friends almost instantly. It gave us the opportunity to work in the yard. We ripped out 1200sqft of junipers and are now terracing and planting it. A lot of work.

While my mom was here I got a text message from one of my older brothers. I have three. This is the one I worry most about. He had struggled with depression and anxiety for years. I have received some very scary phone calls from him. Very scary. This text was alarming. A lot of talk about how he needs to get out of here, he doesn’t want to be here anymore, don’t tell my mom. Stuff like that. 

Even if I wasn’t hopped up on a gallion hormones right now I still would have freaked out. Immediately, I called my husband. I was freaked out and prepared to purchase a plane ticket or just about anything to make sure he was ok. I just wanted to give my husband a heads up and to calm down before I called my brother.

So, a little calmer, I called him. He was ok. He wasn’t going to hurt himself. He just wants to leave the town he is in. Holy shit!  I could breathe again. He scared me. Like I said, I’ve gotten scary calls before. I don’t take them lightly. We talked for awhile and he said he was sorry for scaring me.

He called again today. He said he just needed to talk. I wasn’t sure what that meant since he was really quiet. I could hear him holding back tears a few times. He just seems to have all the sadness. It really hurts to hear him this way. He has depression and anxiety on a good day. His girlfriend’s of 9 years just abruptly left him. She moved several states away. While it wasn’t a healthy relationship, he is still devastated. He understands it is probably better in the long run but right now he is in pain. He is in a tiny town of 7500 people and out of work. 

He is planning a move but that won’t happen until August. So he sits at home dwelling on all the bad stuff. He’s not sleeping at night either. I’m trying to plan a trip for him to come and see me. Plane tickets are only about $100. I know it won’t fix his problems but maybe it will give him a little break and maybe a little hope. I don’t know what else to do but listen to him when he calls and check on him as much as I can. 

I know I won’t ever fully understand depression but maybe IF has given me a glimpse of sorrow that seems never ending. I just feel inadequate. I don’t know what he needs. I’d gladly give it but at the same time I don’t think he knows either. 


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