Guilt

 So I started BCP for the transfer cycle at the end of June almost a week and a half ago. BCPs are unpleasant. I have never gotten fuller boobs or clearer skin. I get hungry at 8 or 9 at night and headaches. The rest of my drugs came yesterday. I was talking to my husband about the whole thing. He was saying he felt very removed from the situation. I understand that. Last time we went from surgery to two cancelled cycles to a DE IVF cycle. It was an intense 9 months or so. I started to tell him about my guilt. I’m not even sure that is the right term. How I feel like I am being selfish for wanting to try again. I should just be happy it worked and leave it at that. He did not get it.

 I thought maybe it was because he’s a man and though he is/has been very involved and affected by infertility it is different for him simply because we are different people. I brought it up with a friend who has two toddlers. She didn’t get it either but she isn’t infertile. I just can’t help but think why isn’t my son enough. I love him more than anything but still I find myself here at the beginning of a transfer cycle.

I find that the BCP make me moody. They affect the way I see myself in the mirror. I feel bloated and uncomfortable. Honestly, I don’t know if there it’s a change at all. I’m trying to drink lots of water to help with the headaches and bloating. The pills make me feel like I’m in a rut. And I don’t like that. 

A friend posted an ultrasound pic yesterday. Announcing his wife was about 8 weeks pregnant. I don’t get many of these sorts of announcements. It was like a punch in the gut, so I’m glad I don’t. All I could think was how crazy it was that they told people so early. What were they thinking!!! What they were thinking was this woman is on her 4th perfect pregnancy. Why wouldn’t they tell everyone ever. Immediately.  My SIL did that. 6 weeks! At 6 weeks she was telling anyone who would listen. She did this with all three of her pregnancies. Sadly, one ended not that long after. 

Most people didn’t find out I was pregnant until 14-16 weeks. Most found out when I was around 20. No big FB announcement or pictures. I told people face to face or over the phone. If I’m lucky enough for this to work again, we’ll do the same thing. My husband suggested when I was pregnant to just say I’d been eating too much and then one day just show up with a baby. He was very nervous through my entire pregnancy. 

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