What did you just say?

Yesterday afternoon I had a meeting. I have been part of an art gallery co-op for a few years. I was voted in treasurer and took this job very seriously. The previous treasurer had been doing a very bad job. It took me 6-9 months to sort out everything. It was a volunteer position. So fast forward a bit. We lost our lease because our landlord quadrupled our rent. Since then, we have been looking for a space. Many leads but nothing has panned out. Our membership has dwindled to four of us. 

So back to that meeting. We met at a foodhall and began our meeting. The director asked each of us if we can make the gallery a priority. I have told them all that I am gearing up for another cycle. I have been honest that it is time consuming and exhausting. 

We have no real prospects at the moment and I am feeling pretty sick of the limbo. So I say that I’m not sure what will being going on in my life in six months. I cannot guarantee that the gallery is my number one priority. I mean, who can guarantee something like that when you dealing with hypotheticals. The director only heard, “I’m trying to have baby. I can’t help.” She didn’t hear what I actually said. So she tells me that because I can’t commit, I need to quit. So because I was honest about things in my life I need to resign. This group also knows about my IF. How hard it was for me to have a baby. I did a god damn art show about it! I am shocked and deeply hurt by this. I tell her that was a really shitty thing to say. This only makes her more irrate. 

Then another member chimes in and says he has the same reservations I have. She completely loses it. She is screaming at him now. He asked her to calm down and that just makes her freak out even more. He finally gets her to stop and says that he didn’t think she had heard what we had been saying. He explains it again, very calmly. She then says, “oh, no, I didn’t hear that”. Ugh!

I knew I was anxious about this cycle but until that moment I didn’t realize just how anxious. I was so upset I was shaking. To have someone criticize me and belittle me was awful. This isn’t just a walk in the park. I’m not lucky enough to have a miracle spontaneous baby. This an invasive process that might not work. The fact that it might not work weighs on me heavily. This was just so unexpected. And so hurtful. 

By the end of the nearly two hour meeting, things had calmed down. Which is good because I needed to go to this woman’s studio to pick  some work of mine that she had. She shares her space with an old member I hadn’t seen since my son was born. So she asked what I had been up to. So I went into a lot of detail of my IF. I had gathered myself enough and wanted to let the director, who was listening, know how invasive and stressful this process is.  Maybe she didn’t know but it really threw me for a loop. The director does suggest we give money to the former director because she worked hard.  She quit along time ago and I feel like this discredits all the work we have currently done. Oh yeah, I forget to mention, if we dissolve there is about $15,000 that gets split up. After questioning my commitment, how can you then suggest giving money to someone who couldn’t commit!?

When I got home I told my husband I needed a hug. 

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