I knew it was coming. My stomach was acting weird and today, Jesus Christ, today.

The morning was fine. We were very productive. Went to a garden center got some things we needed and a bunch of things we didn’t need. I have been digging up sod in several places because where I live, grass is silly and a waste of water. And besides that, I’m not terribly interested in it. I’d rather have room for a strawberry patch or some lovely flowers. So I’ve been digging. With a toddler shouting “dig, dig dig” at me. So we had a nice morning. And then E woke up from his nap. He was happy to help until he got in trouble. He knocked over a water tower that I had just put up around a tomato. Of course it was after I told him to leave it alone. I explained why but he wouldn’t listen. So he knocked it over and got kicked out of the garden. Full on toddler meltdown. He went and sat next to the dog sobbing. And then he just kept throwing fits.

My fing dog was horrible too! She got on the counter and ate part of our dinner out of the frying pan!!! Seriously! She broke a wine glass and knocked over my water. It was a rough afternoon. And I fly solo in Wednesdays. My husband teaches on Wednesday nights. So I got to hang out with tantrum man and my thief of a dog all day and night. Ugh. And I was moody because of this stupid period that just started. My PMS  is worse than before I had a baby. Or maybe the same but I just don’t get to sulk by myself anymore.

I guess some days are just like that. All of my testing will be happening next week. It is stressful but at the same time, if we want to try for another baby, this is the only option. I will always have to have a ton of testing done, a ton of monitoring and a bunch of hormones. There is no other way. And so I keep digging. I keep digging up my grass in hopes of making more garden space and keeping my sanity. I also do it because a tiny voice in the back of my head is holding out hope that in a couple of months I won’t be able to rip out junipers with my sawz-all or dig up sod. This little voice tells me that I will have done all the hard prep work so now when I need to hopefully take it a little easier I can still garden.

After I was well into my first pregnancy, it was kind of easy to forget all the bad stuff. All the surgery, testing, shots, it was like it had happened to someone else. Coping was removing myself from all of it. I’m not sure if that is healthy or not. It is easy now to be causal about this whole cycle. It is easy because it hasn’t really started yet. I’m sure once we are in it and we internalize the stakes it won’t be so causal anymore.

On a very happy note, a friend of mine who had a terrible RE who dismissed her autoimmune disease and who she experienced a miscarriage with, just had her beautiful son last week. She changed to my doc for her next round of DE IVF and it worked! Welcome to the world baby Fletcher.


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