Feeling lonesome

So my mom has lived four to five hours away from me for around a decade. In all those years, she has come and visited me less than five times. This is distressing to say the least. In the past two or three years, she relocated to a town that is four hours from where she used to live. It has added an hour to the commute to see me. My brother still lives in the town that is four hours away. She drives back to see him and his family, he has a 11 month old and a 5 year old, probably close to every other weekend during the spring and summer. We have been back from England for five years now and she has come down once, maybe twice. The difference is my brother lives in a town of 90,000 and I live in a town of +1 million. My house is very convenient to get to from the highway. Like two turns from the highway.

Anyway, this has always bothered me, a lot. She says that she is terrified of driving in the city or her car can’t make it, even though it regularly makes the 8 hour round trip to my brothers house. Like I said, this bothers me but now that I am pregnant, it really bothers me. Like so much, like right now. I sort of want to cry because I know she is currently sitting at my brother’s house. I believe she is scared but you do things for those you love, even if you are scared, right? She could easily come when there is no traffic. I work from home so I am always around.

To ad insult to injury, I am much closer with my mom than my brother. There really isn’t any other way to slice it, my brother is an asshole. He has no filter and says really shitty things to my family. And yeah, we have our problems like every other family but, because we are all adults, we are responsible for our actions. And really the past is the past. Why carry around hate and animosity all your life. Choose a happier life. Forgiving is hard but then you can move on. Grudges are hard work and eat away at you. The fact that my brother is such a dick makes it more hurtful that my mom won’t drive another hour into the city to see me. My relationship with my brother is not great. He really only allows you to have a relationship with him if you are useful to him. But I digress.

Now that I am pregnant, I would really like to see my mom. It would be fun to go shopping with her or talk about her pregnancies, she had five of us. I am lucky to have a stand in. My MIL is incredible. I do “mom” things with her and have “mom” talks with her but it would be nice if my mom was around sometimes. I understand she is scared but I feel like I am worth a little bit of fear. A bit of temporary discomfort.

Sorry for for being so bleak. Today has been a good day. I had my monthly appointment. The baby was curled up in a ball in my belly. Wiggling their arms and legs. Strong heartbeat and measuring a day ahead. My fetal/maternal chromosomal blood work also came back today. Everything was perfect. Nice and healthy baby. My at home doppler works every time now and it is super easy to find a heartbeat. My anatomy scan is next. Only three weeks away. Time is flying by.

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One thought on “Feeling lonesome

  1. I’m glad to hear that baby is healthy and all the tests came back with good news! ❤ I'm sorry to hear about your family situation. I understand why you feel so hurt. My mom didn't move away until I was in college, but she lives a plane ride away. I visited her at the beginning of my pregnancy and she has visited here once and will be back next month and then when the baby is born. It is really hard to not have your mom around. I'm sending so many hugs your way! ❤

    P.S. Your brother sounds just like mine. :/

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