One more day

Tomorrow is the big day. Beta #1.  Today I almost broke down and bought a home test. I was fine when I woke up this morning but have become emotional as the day has gone on. I want to know so badly but also want to stay ignorant. I have no reason to think this failed. Only our track record of failed IVF. It is enough to put doubt in my mind. I have had symptoms but have largely ignored them because they are all side effects of the hormones I am sure. I haven’t looked those up simply because I don’t want to manifest phantom symptoms. I have had a lump in my throat most of the day. Ready to cry. Whatever the results are tomorrow, I imagine I will cry.

I have a lactose intolerance and have been avoiding diary since my transfer. Seemed like a good idea. It agrees very badly with my system anyway, why push it, right? Well I just had some sympathy nachos and it was a bad idea. Usually I take pills when/if I eat dairy and am just fine. They are not working. It is like I took nothing. I noticed the extra sensitivity Christmas Eve. It was some of the first dairy I had had in awhile. You would think I would learn my lesson and avoid cheese. I am certainly wishing I had right now.

I just feel like a mess. I have to go to a party later today with a heavily pregnant woman, and another couple who are bringing there two children who are under three. I don’t know how much I will be able to handle. A nice email from my best friend had me in tears this morning. Who knows what will happen later.

Tomorrow could be great but it could also be awful. Cross your fingers for me.

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