Thank god for Valium

So tomorrow is my transfer. I am getting anxious about it. Yesterday afternoon it started. I found myself blankly staring at the computer screen. I tried several distractions, movies, busy work, knitting. Nothing seemed to help. I have been waiting for this moment since July. Now that it is here it seems surreal. It is a mix of anxiety and excitement. I told my husband and he replied that while he understands, there isn’t really anything I can do about it. It works or it doesn’t. He’s usually the one who worries about these things. Things that you have no control over. I feel like, up to this point, we have had a job to do. We have had a list of things that had to be done each day, a shot in the morning, a shot at night, pills at lunch, pills before bed. While some of that routine will continue, I still feel I am losing control of the situation. But really, maybe I never had any anyway.

While I ticked all these boxes, my body still had to cooperate. My estrogen needed to rise, my lining needed to grow. It was a possibility that the hormones wouldn’t do what they were supposed to. It certainly wouldn’t have been the first or even second time my body rebelled against the medication. I am more hopeful that things will go well. The uterus seems like a much simpler organ than the ovaries. I mean, for god’s sake, a woman used a transplanted uterus of a 60 year old woman to have a baby in Sweden. Mine should be better than that. All the of the testing had said it is healthy with no blemishes or blood flow issues.

I haven’t told my mom or sister when my transfer date is. This could still not work and really I don’t want people asking uncomfortable questions. My MIL and my best friend know. That is it. My MIL lives in the same city and we are very close. My best friend is on holiday in Spain with her girlfriend right now. I do wish she was closer. Even when she gets back she will still be in another country. My husband will be around the next few days to take care of me, which is nice. He took Thursday and Friday off. I am sure his mom will call to check on me. She might even stop by.

I set up a puppy play date for my dog. She will be good and tired tomorrow, which means she will sleep all day and be really mellow. She is still a puppy and god knows I don’t need a rambunctious puppy barreling around the house tomorrow.

I am grateful I have a Valium to take tomorrow. I have a feeling I will need it.


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