The results

I guess I should clear a few things up before we get too far.

Last year, 2013, was when we decided to start trying to have a baby. At the beginning of this year, Feb of 2014, was when I started getting tested for problems. So I am little behind.

Back to the results.

So I had been waiting to hear from my doctor about the results from my HSG. Waiting for results is the worst. It took a week to hear from my doctor even though the X-ray tech said the doctor would have the results and the report from the radiologist later the day of my appointment.

So I get a call. It is from a tech at my doctor’s office. She tells me that my results are good. Nothing to worry about. I am fine. There is no elaboration on what ‘good’ and ‘fine’ mean. I didn’t care. I was so happy, so relieved. I had just been unlucky. That was all. I will start exercising more, drinking less. That will help. About twenty minutes has passed. As I am planning lifestyle changes, I get another phone call. This time it is my doctor. She tells me there has been a mistake, a terrible mistake. The tech has misunderstood. Things aren’t ‘good’ or ‘fine’. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Both of my tubes are completely blocked. They are dilated and full of fluid, totally useless. My doctor says she’s sorry, if I have any questions just ask.

At this point, all I want to do is get off the phone. I am devastated. Barely holding it together. My joy has turned into ash in my mouth. After what feels like ages, I am off the phone. I can’t hold back the tears anymore. My puppy sits there and looks at me. She lets out a distressed squeak of a noise and jumps into my lap. She rubs her head on my face and neck, hoping to resolve the situation. It didn’t do much at the time but as I look back I see it as a sweet gesture. She felt my pain and wanted to easy it.

I pick up my phone when I have gained some composure. I call my husband at work. All I can manage to choke out once I hear his voice is, “it’s my fault!” I don’t remember much of the conversation, just the sobbing coming from my end. Sobs that shook my whole body. I remember my husband saying he was on his way home. It was about 2 in the afternoon. For the 30 minutes it took him to get home, I laid and sobbed on the couch. By the time he had gotten home I was exhausted and done crying. Now I was just angry. Angry at my doctor, angry at my body. It was too many failures in one day.

My husband comforted me and said we would figure this out. We needed to find a new doctor that wasn’t so useless and a fertility specialist. My doctor had given me some names and recommendations. My husband starting researching. Looking everywhere. This is where he excels. You give him a shitty situation and he fixes it. He finds a way to make it work, always. This journey, so far, has made me realize just how important he is to me. People show their true colors when faced with life changing situation. He has shown love and kindness that I will always be grateful for.

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2 thoughts on “The results

  1. Having an answer is a good thing, at least it points you in a direction to go in. Sorry it wasn’t news you wanted, I’m surprised they didn’t tell you how it was going as they were doing the HSG. In mine, they showed me the fluid coming out both sides, which I glanced at while trying not to clench too hard through the pain! Glad you have such great support and I wish you luck moving forward.

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    1. Thanks for reading and the luck. 🙂 There is some sort of strange comfort in having a solid explanation. We tried for a year before by ourselves and that uncertainty every month was very hard to deal with. Good luck with your journey as well. IVF so far hasn’t been as scary as I thought.

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